Part of me immediately thinks, “don’t question, Jan – just enjoy this moment.” And yes, since I am sensing that lovely settledness and a radiating heart – I am enjoying this moment. Or I was until I started writing this and now I’m just grinning about my self-consciousness … ain’t life grand?
The other part of me thinks, ” What has changed in me that I can so enjoy wiping the kitchen counter clean at 7:30 am when I used to rant and rail about every household chore?” I used to be angry for hours at the mess that other people made or even that I made – that I should have to clean it up – ugg. Of course the adrenaline created by all that anger gave me the energy to whip through tasks quickly but the emotional state I was in while I whipped – yuck!
So have I matured – amazing thought. Have all those meditations and energetic trainings finally wrought peace? Have all those times that I built my awareness of my anxiety and anger actually come together to bring me to the place where I can live the saying: Before consciousness – haul wood, carry water; after consciousness – haul wood carry water? Not that I’m this amazingly conscious creature … I am on the way there though. I can feel it, and I can feel it when I lose it too.
That’s the cool thing these days: I am more and more aware of my sensations and the whole body/mind experience. What this awareness gives me is choice. When I notice I’m worrying about something I can choose to continue worrying, or not. When I’m not aware the worry just continues unabated. In the past I didn’t believe that ‘simple’ awareness could help me to change my energetic state (eg: yes I’m angry but I deserve to be angry and I’m going to be angry until somebody/thing else changes). Not a particularly useful state of being.
So now I celebrate the change to this place where I’m not angry or anxious nearly as much as I used to be, and when I sense that state rising in me I make choices that support a loving me, for the most part. Of course I can rant & rail with the best of them when I choose 🙂
And the coolest thing is that I find myself in these states of contentment and happiness for no reason – just being alive or in my kitchen or garden or wherever. So I’m happy – cause I choose to be happy. I’ve chosen over the past years to try loving myself unconditionally, with all my warts and weirdnesses, and with the repetition of attempts, have come to the ‘hundredth monkey’ moment, where I actually do love and accept myself … and that makes me happy. Who knew warts and weirdnesses could be loved …
Flash forward to 4 hours later when I have my shoulders up to my ears, frenetically chopping veggies (getting ready for family dinner on the other side of the ferry). Awareness piques, I sense all the tension in my whole body and the squirrelly hamster wheel whizzing around and around in my mind – OMG – what happened to that early morning contentment? But you know, just that little flash of awareness
- Makes me laugh
- reminds me of earlier delight
- shifts my whole bodymind in a flash to a more relaxed state … and guess what …
- happiness radiates again.
After all, what am I frenetically doing? I’m creating delicious goodies for a family gathering – important creative and fulfilling stuff for me. All I needed to do was jump off the hamster wheel and jump into the wonder of chopping yummy food from my garden. Still chopping fast, just not frenetic … ahhh.
How you doin’ on your hamster wheel?